


I Had A Thought Dear

by gay_angels



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, F/F, I'm not so sure yet, Implied Sexual Content, Like lots of it, M/M, Multi, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, hopefully a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-14 17:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9196673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_angels/pseuds/gay_angels
Summary: Bodhi was used to getting stared at. He wasn't completely oblivious: he knew he was at least somewhat attractive.





	1. What Did You Bury?

Bodhi was used to getting stared at. He wasn't completely oblivious: he knew he was at least somewhat attractive. It was the worst when he was still an Imperial pilot; it wasn't unusual to be called at by some of the higher ranking officers.

Sometimes it would lead to something. A quick fuck in a storage closet, giving someone a handjob for a few credits. It was just a way of survival.

Even with the Rebellion, he could feel people staring at him almost constantly. Mostly men, just like when he was with the Empire. Some days, he would play into it, and charm a rebel or two out of a couple credits. But it never went anywhere past flirting. Bodhi had somebody else he was eyeing, and he didn't want to gain the reputation of the Rebellion's newest good fuck. He was already tagged as the Imperial Pilot, whom most didn't trust. The less labels, the better.

Despite how well he seemed to react to the constant attention, he was always afraid. Certain people wanted things, things that Bodhi just didn't want to give them. He had changed since joining the rebellion, and he had told himself that most of his old life was behind him. So he never let it lead anywhere past winking and a few suggestive phrases. His mind always wandered to what would happen if one of these men were to push harder, and want more than just empty promises.

So Bodhi tried to stay away from it all as much as possible. Most afternoons when he wasn't on a mission, he could be found camped out in his room tinkering with some scrap of machine he was trying to fix. And on the off occasion when he did go out, he was most likely with Cassian or Chirrut and Baze. He was, for lack of a better term, hiding.

But he hid for good reason. Well, at least that was what he told himself. He'd had many a bad encounter while still a part of the Empire. If he never interacted with anybody more than he had to, nothing bad could come of it.

But then something bad did.

It was really just a normal day. He was unloading his ship from a recent mission he had been on. He tried as hard as he could to keep his ship neat. More difficult than it sounds when you're transporting a bunch of hotheaded rebels across galaxies.

He was carrying a box down from the cockpit when he was approached by a fellow pilot. Ares.... something.

"Hey! Bodhi, right?" Ares Something asked.

Bodhi smiled tautly, "Yeah, that's me." He walked past Ares and set the box down by the rest. "Sorry, I'm just a little busy right now. Post-mission work, you know how it-" Bodhi turned to find himself face-to-face with the other pilot, "Is..."

"Hey do you wanna, I don't know, come back to my room or something? We could play a round of Sabacc?" His mind flashed back to his old life: gambling, followed by....well, you know how the story goes. He shook his head, then looked back up at Ares. He had the same look that the Empire pilots did. Desperate, just wanting something, someone to connect with.

"Sorry, I just really have to unload this. Last time I forgot to unload my things I got scolded by K-2SO for a whole week." He moved past Ares and back into the ship, gathering some more things to bring out.

Deep down, Bodhi knew where this was going. Men like this didn't stop persisting, at least not until they got what they wanted. And he probably wasn't prepared to give this man what he wanted.

He felt Ares follow him into the ship, and Bodhi's mind kept telling him _There's nobody else here. You two are alone. If something happened, nobody would know. You'd be trapped._ He tried to shake those thoughts away. "I don't mind waiting. So, are you really the Imperial pilot who defected? And were you really there on Scarif?"

This was common. The battle on Scarif only happened a couple of months ago. Everyone in their group had had this happen to them at one point or another.

Bodhi grunted as he picked up another heavy box. "Yeah, that's me. Not really as noble as it seems," Bodhi could feel a rock starting to form in his stomach. He just wanted the damn guy to leave. He set the box down outside and took a deep breath. _Nothing bad is going to happen. You can talk your way out of this._ But the rock in his stomach was slowly getting larger. "I just flew the ship. It's Cassian and Jyn- they're the real heroes."

He walked back into the ship, searching for his goggles. Ares was nowhere to be found, which put him a little on edge. Hoping that he had left, Bodhi stopped talking and eventually found his goggles on top of an empty box near the back of the ship. When he turned back to exit, however, he was met with a familiar figure. He jumped, almost bumping into Ares, who was only a few inches from him.

Ares reached his hand up to run it through Bodhi's hair. Bodhi shuddered, taking a step back. He felt his back hit the cool metal wall of the ship, and his heart almost stopped beating. _Nononononono this can't be happening._

"You're very attractive, has anyone ever told you that?" Ares put his arms on either side of Bodhi, trapping him. Bodhi swallowed, and the rock in his stomach felt like a boulder at this point.

"I-I'm sorry but I really have to-" Bodhi began, but he was interrupted by Ares forcefully kissing him. He squirmed, trying to break free. He shoved the other man away from him, breathing heavily. Ares eyes immediately darkened, and Bodhi knew he had made a mistake.

His eyes flicked toward the open door of the ship, and he immediately made a dash for it. Ares, unfortunately, was one step ahead of him. He grabbed Bodhi and picked him up like he was nothing, which was probably true. He still hadn't completely healed since the battle on Scarif, and he never ate enough to begin with.

Bodhi yelled for anyone, but Ares quickly silenced him by slamming him against a wall. Bodhi's world was spinning, and he was barely aware of his jumpsuit being unzipped. "S-stop.... please..." he groaned, trying his hardest to push the other pilot away. He could feel things happening: his jumpsuit being forced off, being moved farther back into the ship. But nothing registered in his brain.

Any time he was conscious enough, he would try and fight back. But he was just not strong enough. The last thing he remembered before he blacked out was Ares's face looking down at him.


	2. I Know That Look Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life hadn't really gotten easier for Cassian after the battle of Scarif.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit confusing at first because I jump between periods of time, but most of this chapter takes place before the Bodhi incident. You'll know when that incident happens.

Life hadn't really gotten easier for Cassian after the battle of Scarif. For one, he was injured. Badly. And now people were constantly surrounding him, asking him millions of questions about the battle, and Jyn, and what the Imperial base was like. Most of the time, K-2 would shoo them away or make up an excuse for him to leave. Cassian was thankful for that.

After the battle, most of the members of Rogue one kind of stuck together. They ate together and were almost around each other.

But those first few weeks back. They were brutal, to say the least. Half of them were in the med-bay, and the other half were waiting outside for those in the med-bay.

"Why won't they let us inside, Baze?" Cassian asked Baze one night. They were both sitting directly outside the doors, Jyn and K-2 having retired to sleeping and guarding, respectively.

"There is probably a practical reason having to do with sick people and not spreading viruses. But at the moment, I feel that those rules should not apply." Baze closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, looking slightly like Chirrut when he prayed.

"You and me both," Cassian sighed, thinking of Bodhi. Last time he had seen him, he was badly burned and barely conscious. Cassian had wanted to say so many things to him on the ship ride back to Yavin IV. But nothing seemed appropriate.

He leaned back against the wall and let his eyes shut, slowly drifting off into sleep.   
  
  


"Cassian? Cassian!" Cassian sat straight up, awoken by K-2.

"What? What is it?" He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked up at the droid, then to his left. Baze had left, probably back to his room. The guy had a good idea, Cassian's back was killing him.

"I just wanted to inform you that they are allowing people into the med-bay to visit. I assumed you would want to see Bodhi Rook?" Cassian stood up quickly at that.

"They're letting people in?" He looked toward the door to find it open, and talking could be heard coming from inside. He looked back to K-2, then at the door again. "I have to..." He didn't wait for a response, just jogged through the open door.

He immediately saw Baze sitting next to a bed that Chirrut was lying in. They were both smiling broadly, with Chirrut sporting some batches of bacta on his head and arms. He nodded at them, and Chirrut seemed to look right into his soul. Baze chuckled and took Chirrut's hand, kissing it softly. Chirrut smiled.

A couple of beds down, Cassian found who he was looking for. Bodhi wasn't doing as well as Chirrut. Bacta covered most of his body, and he was still unconscious. He collapsed into the chair next to the bed, staring at his friend.

"You need not be worried, my friend." Cassian turned to see that Baze and Chirrut were looking at him. "The force is strong around him, he will pull through." Chirrut gestured at Bodhi, and Cassian sighed.

"But-" Cassian began, but was cut off.

"It would be in your best interest to just listen to him," Baze commented. "It keeps his ego up." He winked at Cassian and Chirrut laughed.

"Do I have an ego? I wasn't aware." Chirrut chuckled. Cassian smiled faintly and turned back to Bodhi. Baze and Chirrut returned to their own conversation. He though about what Chirrut had said and focused on the bed next to him.

He couldn't stop looking at Bodhi's burns. Even with the thick coating of bacta, it was clear how bad they were. Cassian figured that they were lucky to even get out of Scarif alive. They had managed to fly away right as the planet killer had arrived.

Bodhi was barely able to continue flying the ship when K-2 took over. Cassian had to force him to leave the cockpit. He was insisting that he could still pilot, that he was the pilot. It reminded him of the first time they had met, which wasn't reassuring.

Coming back to reality, he looked at Bodhi and saw a hero. He took his hand without a second thought, and didn't leave his side until he woke up.

The next week or two after that seemed to be going smooth. Everyone was trying to get used to their new surroundings, and people seemed to be buzzing with new hope for the rebellion.

But that seemed to quickly fall apart. It seemed that the longer Bodhi was at Yavin IV, the less time he spent out and about. Cassian would usually find him in his room, messing with a piece of machinery. He didn't want to ask why; he didn't want to push him away. Aside from K-2, Bodhi was really the only other true friend Cassian had.

And maybe he did like him a bit more than friends. But he could never tell him that. He couldn't risk losing as good of a friendship that they had.

So he let Bodhi keep his distance. And after a few months, Mon Mothma agreed to let them all start going on missions again. Cassian could tell that Bodhi was relieved when he heard the news, and the whole group went to the cafeteria to celebrate.

After an hour or two, Cassian could feel that Bodhi was uncomfortable from across the table. He was fidgeting with his goggles, as usual, and seemed to be avoiding eye contact with anyone. Cassian was about to move next to him when Bodhi stood up, making some vague excuse about being tired and needing to get rest for an upcoming mission he was going on. He watched as the pilot hurried through the door, head down.

Cassian sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The bench he was on dipped, and he looked to his right to find Chirrut. "You're upset," he said calmly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cassian replied tartly.  He didn't feel like talking about it.

"You are not the reason he is avoiding socializing. I sense he is going through a conflict. He could benefit from a friend." He looked at the blind man in front of him and shook his head. Chirrut gazed at him for a little longer before standing up and making his way over to Baze.

Cassian thought about what he said. He knew what it was like to feel all alone, and that's probably how Bodhi felt. So he decided to go visit Bodhi at his room.

It wasn't that long of a walk. He knocked on the door lightly once he had arrived. He heard a soft "Come in," from inside and opened the door. Bodhi was sitting at his desk, focused on fixing what looked like a damaged blaster. He looked up to see who had come in, and his face immediately brightened. "Cassian! What are you...?"

"I came to see if you were alright." Bodhi's face became questioning. "You seemed a bit uncomfortable before you left and I wanted to make sure you were doing...fine." Cassian was rambling, which almost never happened. He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair.

"Yeah I'm just tired I guess," he shrugged. Cassian nodded and the room plunged into silence. Bodhi coughed, "I, uh. Mon Mothma told me that I have to leave tomorrow. On a mission, I mean. And then I'll have another one just after that, and so on and so forth."

Cassian nodded numbly, remembering when he had back to back missions like that. It sucked, and he remembered being dead tired after it all. "Oh," was all Cassian said in reply, and Bodhi smiled sadly.

"Cassian, I-" he took a deep breath and stood, "I'm sorry I've been kind of reclusve lately. Everything just happened so fast with defecting and Jedha City being destoryed and Scarif and recovering and-" Now Bodhi was rambling, and Cassian placed his hands on his shoulders.

"Woah, slow down. You don't have to apologize for anything. I understand. Things like that..... they change you." He smiled at his friend.

Bodhi nodded. A particularly bad burn on his neck started to throb, and he reached up and rubbed it. "Now, I really do have to sleep. Early day tomorrow, y'know?" He laughed softly. Cassian nodded and brought his hands back down to his sides.

Bodhi looked up into Cassian's eyes and moved in a bit closer. Cassian's eyes widened, and his heart immediately started beating faster. He took a step back. "Well, I guess I'll see you later...buddy?" He blurted out and quickly turned and left. Once outside, he started to calm down. "Did I really just call him buddy?" He asked himself, and softly banged his head against the wall. "I'm such a kriffing idiot."

 

Months passed, and it seemed like everyone was getting busier. An attack on the Death Star was being planned, which meant a mad scramble to be prepared. Cassian had barely seen anyone other than K-2 for a whole week once, which was really a low point.

But Cassian did get a free day every once in a while, and he was usually hanging out with Bodhi or playing Sabacc in the common area. But Bodhi had been away on a mission for two weeks, which really opened up his free time. He had already lost most of his credits gambling, it seemed he had learned nothing from watching Bodhi play. 

Fortunately, Bodhi was set to return on one of Cassian's free days. Most of the time after returning to Yavin IV after an especially long trip, he could be found cleaning out his ship in one of the hangars. Bodhi was sort of a neat freak when it came to his ship, but that was about it. His room, on most occasions, was one of the messiest rooms he had seen.

So Cassian woke up early to meet Bodhi in the hangar and help him. He was walking a bit faster than normal, he noticed. He wrote it off in his head as a good night's sleep, and turned the corner into the hangar. He was about to call for Bodhi, but stopped when he saw the pilot.

He was almost nose to nose with another pilot: Aaron or something. "Hey do you wanna, I don't know, come back to my room or something? We could play a round of Sabacc?" Aaron Or Something asked. Cassian took a few steps back, finally turning around and walking out of the hangar.

Foolish. He had been totally foolish. He had felt that something had been growing between him and Bodhi over the past few months, but he was obviously wrong. He walked as fast as he could back the way he came. He thought he heard something behind him, but it was probably just Bodhi and Aaron Or Something talking.

Cassian almost barreled into K-2 when he turned a corner too quickly, and the droid startled him half to death.

"Kaytoo! You scared me," he said, looking up. K-2 tilted his head.

"I thought you were going to be helping Bodhi Rook unload his things today?" The droid asked. Cassian looked at the floor bitterly.

"No- he already has someone else to help him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this is really slow going but it will speed up soon, I promise.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @andhor


	3. In Some Sad Way I Already Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's Bodhi." Chirrut spoke quietly.

Chirrut and Baze usually just walked around the Rebel base all day. They never really went on missions like everyone else; nobody seemed to want a blind man and a disgruntled assassin to help them. So they just did what they wanted to do. 

Mon Mothma had agreed to let them share a room as soon as Chirrut was cleared to leave the med-bay. But neither of them liked the confines of their room. So they wandered.

"So, this Skywalker boy," Chirrut asked one night, after everyone else was most likely already asleep, "Does he look troubled?"

Baze thought about it for a moment, then shook his head. "No, not that I can tell. Why?"

Chirrut shrugged, and they continued their walk through the halls. At one point, he took one hand off of his staff and grabbed Baze's hand, squeezing it tightly. "Bodhi returned from his mission today," he starts, "We should see if he needs any help."

Baze looks sideways at Chirrut. "What help would you be unloading a cargo ship?"

Chirrut shrugged, "I could give moral support." Baze chuckled. "But in all seriousness, we should check to see if he is alright. Cassian seemed....troubled, for lack of a better word, this morning. It could have something to do with Bodhi."

Baze sighed, "He does fret over him all of the time. Alright, let's go visit him." The walk to Bodhi's room was short. They knocked on his door, but no reply came. 

"He is not in there," Chirrut looked to his left, toward the ship hangars. "Something bad has happened. The Force is..." he trailed off, hurrying in the direction he looked. Baze cursed and follwed behind quickly.

"Chirrut, he is probably just sleeping. Not everything ends in disaster, even if that is what the Force might be saying." Baze called to his husband. Chirrut was moving impeccably fast, which slightly worried him.

Chirrut responded hastily, "You do not understand, what the Force was conveying, I have seen something similar to it before. And if the Force was correct back then, what would stop it from being correct now?" 

They came to the hangar where Bodhi's ship usually was. It was dark and quiet, much like the rest of the base at that time. Chirrut suddenly stopped moving, and Baze slammed into his back. "What's the matter? Why did you stop?"

Chirrut swallowed, "He's in there." He took a few steps forward, Bodhi's ship coming into Baze's view. His tone of voice did not imply that Bodhi was in there tending to his garden. Baze began to get worried, somewhat understanding Chirrut's odd behavior.

But he was done with his husband's sudden panic. He shoved past him and ran to the ship, yelling the pilot's name. "Bodhi!" Chirrut seemed to snap out of his haze eventually, and ran into the ship.

"In the back. With the cargo boxes," he rushed past Baze, and could feel that _something_ had happened here in the past few hours. 

Baze came up behind Chirrut and found Bodhi, unconscious on the floor. His jumpsuit looked like it had been hastily put back on, and there were faint bruises down his neck. "Go get Cassian," Baze ordered as he picked up Bodhi, trying to be as careful as possible, "I'm taking him to the med-bay." Chirrut nodded and hurried off, and Baze and Bodhi were left alone. The man weighed virtually nothing, and a small groan came out of his mouth as Baze hurried through the halls.

"Please," he whimpered, almost so soft to that Baze couldn't hear him. "Cassian, help..." His head slumped back farther, and it hurt the older man to look at the pained expression on his face.

Luckily, the hangars were placed very close to the med-bay in case of emergencies. "Hello?" Baze called, shouldering his way through the door. "I need a med droid, please!"

 

Cassian was awoken by someone pounding on his door. He sat up quickly and made his way over to it. "Whoever you are, you better have a damn good reason to be waking me up-" He opened the door to find Chirrut, a grave expression on his face. "What happened?" He breathed, not really wanting to know.

"It's Bodhi." Chirrut spoke quietly. Those two words took a second to register in Cassian's head. But as soon as they did, he grabbed his jacket and was out the door. The two men started toward the med-bay. "Baze and I found him in his ship, he was unconscious and the Force around him was-" he paused, and Cassian took in a deep breath. "I will let you see for yourself."

They took a right turn and saw Baze waiting by the med-bay doors. He looked up, expression darkening slightly when he saw Cassian. Upon approaching the older man, he was slammed into the wall by his lapel, and Baze was in his face. "Did you have anything, and I mean _anything_ to do with this?" Cassian looked at Chirrut then back to Baze, shocked at the accusation.

"Baze," Chirrut warned, but Cassian cut him off quickly.

"Do you seriously think that I would hurt Bodhi? I thought Chirrut was the blind one here, but obviously not. Bodhi, he-" he stopped to gain his composure. "I did not hurt Bodhi, okay? I barely even saw him today, and we never even spoke when I did see him." Baze's grip loosened, but he still didn't let go completely. Cassian had really had enough of this. "Can I just- can I please go see him?" He asked defeatedly.

Chirrut grabbed his husband's arm, and Baze released Cassian. "They aren't allowing us to see him yet. They need to see exactly what is wrong with him before they allow any visitors." Cassian slumped against the wall, covering his face with his hands.

"Did he say anything? Anything at all?" He looked up through his fingers at the two older men.

Baze took a deep breath, "He asked for your help."

 

They were allowed into the med-bay after two hours. Two excruciatingly long hours that almost killed Cassian. He rushed to Bodhi's bed the second he was allowed, with Baze and Chirrut following behind hesitantly.

Cassian's breath hitched when he saw Bodhi. It wasn't nearly as bad as after Scarif, but somehow it was almost worse. There were small bruises leading down from Bodhi's neck, all the way to under his shirt. His face was red and starting to form bruises, too. "Oh, Bodhi," Cassian breathed, and grabbed the other man's hand.

"He has a concussion," Cassian was startled out of his train of thought by an approaching med-droid.  Chirrut and Baze both took a couple steps forward from where they were standing. "He has sustained many bruises all over his body, which multiple large contusions on his back and the back of his head. Additionally-"

"Please stop," Cassian groaned, hands covering his face. "Just, can you tell us what happened?"

The med-droid paused for a second before continuing. "Taking into consideration the bruising, the attire he was wearing when he arrived, head trauma, and a few other factors, it's hard to narrow it down to just one-" Cassian shoved the med-droid away, having heard enough. His mind had painted a good enough picture of what had happened.

He slumped back in his chair, taking Bodhi's hand again. Bodhi was mumbling a few things, and his grip on Cassian's hand tightened. 

"Cassian," Chirrut spoke suddenly. He looked up at the blind man, who was leaning heavily on Baze. "Like I said many months ago, you need not worry. The force is strong around him, he will pull through." He placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and Cassian nodded as thanks. Baze did the same, but he was looking at Bodhi all the while.

Eventually, Baze and Chirrut had to leave to get some sleep. They both said goodbye to Bodhi, asking Cassian to notify them if Bodhi woke up. Cassian assured them that he would, and said his goodbyes. Once alone with Bodhi, all Cassian could do was cry.

How the hell had this happened? How had Cassian allowed this to happen? He was exhausted beyond belief, and he fell asleep clutching Bodhi's hand for dear life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr @andhor


	4. So I Will Not Ask You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi awoke with a start.

_Please, help. Anyone!_

Bodhi awoke with a start. His head was pounding, along with...other parts. He moved his hands to run them over his face, but his left one was occupied. He turned and looked to find Cassian, sleeping and holding his hand. His heart-rate began increasing, and he pulled his hand back quickly toward his chest.

_What had happened?_

His mind immediately started flooding with images. Images of Ares, of the ship, being carried by Baze, being examined by- "Bodhi?"

Bodhi's head snapped to the left, meeting Cassian's tired eyes. He swallowed, mind replaying the Incident. His hands started shaking, and he reached up to find his goggles. They weren't there, which only increased Bodhi's panic.

Cassian sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Cassian?" Bodhi croaked.

Cassian nodded, trying to be as careful as possible. "Yeah, it's me. What do you need?"

"B-Baze. And Chirrut." He tried to sit up, but his head immediately started spinning. Fuck. His eyes started watering, and before he knew it he was sobbing. Hid head was between his knees, arms over his neck. He vaguely felt Cassian rubbing circles on his back and telling him that it was fine, everything was fine, he was going to be alright.

He could feel the stares of other people in the med-bay. The same as usual, people staring at him. He almost started laughing at the irony. 

"Bodhi? I have to leave to go get them. Will you be alright alone here for a second?" Bodhi lifted his head up, looking around in a panic. "I'll only be a couple minutes, you're safe in here." Bodhi sniffed and nodded his head, watching as Cassian left.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to examine his surroundings. He was in the med-bay, that much was obvious. Med droids were beeping about, and one came up to him, causing him to flinch violently. "Ouch," he groaned, rubbing the back of his head.

"Bodhi Rook? It is time for your routine pain killer injection." The droid was emotionless, and didn't wait for a response before grabbing Bodhi's arm and inserting a needle. He flinched away, causing the droid to hum with disappointment. "I will be back in 6 hours." With that, the droid was gone. Which left Bodhi to his thoughts.

Everything kept replaying in his head. Unloading the ship. Ares approaching him. Trying to get out of it. Getting...trapped. Everything, all at once, in one continuous loop that wouldn't end.

He didn't realize he was breathing heavily until a familiar voice called, "Calm down, Bodhi. You're stealing all of the air from the rest of us." Bodhi looked up to see Baze, Chirrut, and Cassian standing next to him.

Bodhi took another deep breath, trying to slow his steadily rising heart rate. "I-I'm sorry." He wrapped his arms around his body, trying to make himself as small as possible.

"You have nothing to be sorry about," Chirrut smiled, walking forward. "Baze was only joking. Although we would prefer if you could remain calm." Bodhi smiled slightly.

Cassian took a small step forward, reaching toward the bed. Bodhi immediately flinched and scooted as far away from Cassian as possible. He took a step back, looking ashamed as he held out Bodhi's goggles. "I, uh, I got these from your ship. I noticed that you reached for them before I left."

His goggles. He must have dropped them when- _no._ He closed his eyes and pressed his hands into them as hard as he could. He tried to remember what Chirrut always said to him when he started getting panicky, but so may other thoughts obscured that one.

He always knew it was happening, when it happened. It was very ironic, like most things in Bodhi's life. He always knew when he was having a panic attack. But he could never stop it. And every time it happened, he always went straight to who he knew could help. Every once in a while, either Chirrut or Baze would be able to calm him down enough to at least drink some water. On days where things like that happened, both men insisted that Bodhi stay with them for the rest of the day.

So he was aware that he was having a panic attack, yes. And he also knew that he hated it. Breathing heavily, your heart rate climbing, eyes watering. It was just generally not fun. 

"Bodhi," a voice broke through the haze of his own thoughts, and he latched onto it like a life saver. "Bodhi, you are all right. Try not to think about everything. Just think of yourself back on Jedha, before everything. Before Scarif, before defecting, before the Empire." Bodhi did what the voice told him, and tried to focus on Jedha. He whimpered, rubbing his hands down his face.

"Can't...breathe-" he managed to choke out. He could hear people yelling around him, but nothing really registered in his brain. Yeah, he had had panic attacks, but none of them were ever this bad.

 

He woke up sometime later, who knew how long it had been. Cassian was still in the chair next to him. Had he even eaten?

"I have," he said. Bodhi jumped. He had said that out loud. He turned to face Cassian to find him with his knees to his chest, arms hugging his legs. "Baze and Chirrut are eating right now, in fact. And you should be, too.

Bodhi shook his head. "I'm not hungry." Cassian nodded, looking at Bodhi's feet. "Do you, um. Do you still have my goggles?" Cassian nodded and reached into his jacket, which was hanging on the chair next to him. He produced Bodhi's goggles from an inner pocket and placed them on the edge of the bed.

"Bodhi, I'm so sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to scare you, but I realize that I did, and I know that I was being totally insensitive. I hope you can forgive me?" Cassian rambled when he was nervous. Bodhi stored this information for later use, and grabbed his goggles from where they were sitting on the bed.

"It's okay. It wasn't really you I was flinching at. It was...." he trailed off, deciding not to finish the sentence. He took a different route instead. "How long have I been here?"

Cassian seemed to be thinking about it for a moment. "Three days, I think? Well, counting today." Bodhi nodded. "The med-droids, they actually think you can be released today. I mean, if you want to."

That news shocked him. He wasn't even sure if any part of him felt up to doing, well, anything. "Do they have my things? My jumpsuit, I mean." 

Cassian looked at the desk next to the bed and nodded. "They washed it for you, and everything."

Bodhi looked at the jumpsuit next to him. His mind kept jumping back to his jumpsuit being forced off, pooled around his feet. He shivered and hugged himself. "Could I, not wear that?" He looked at Cassian, who smirked slightly.

He set a shirt and pair of pants on the edge of the bed, same place where he put the googles. "I brought these just in case. They might be a bit big, they're mine. But I don't really wear them anymore. You don't have to wear them if you don't want, I just figured-"

"Why is it whenever we walk in here one of you two is rambling?" Baze asked. Chirrut laughed from beside him. Bodhi smiled faintly, and Cassian laughed.

"Cassian," Chirrut faced where he assumed the man was, "Do you mind if we talk to Bodhi for a moment?"

Cassian blinked, then nodded and stepped away. He stood by the med-bay doors, watching as all three of the men talked. He couldn't help noticing how small Bodhi looked, especially compared to Baze.

He also couldn't seem to take his eyes off of the dark bruises covering Bodhi's body. It was obvious they were from a person's hands, the marks were the perfect dimensions for fingerprints. There was also a soft purple bruise blossoming on the pilot's cheek, but it wasn't as obvious what that was from. A punch, maybe.

They hadn't asked about what exactly had happened. Sure, Cassian had his theories, but he didn't want to make Bodhi shut down again. Before the Incident, he and Bodhi had gotten really close. Which was also why he was beating himself up over the fact that he had let this happen.

But he, Baze, and Chirrut all agreed that they needed to find out what had happened eventually. For Bodhi, and maybe a little bit for themselves. The four of them had formed a family of sorts, and Cassian didn't want to lose that. It had been a while since he had felt anything resembling being a part of a family, and it felt good.

 

"How are you doing, Bodhi?" Chirrut asked after Cassian was out of earshot.

Bodhi looked down at his lap, and he started fidgeting with the sheets of his bed. "Honestly? It feels like every day I'm reliving....It. And you know I can't thank all of you guys enough, including Cassian. But I know this is something I have to go through mostly myself." He ran his fingers over the clothes Cassian had given him. They were soft, like he expected them to be. He looked up toward him, smiled slightly when they made eye contact.

"Well, you know that we will always be there to support you. But, unfortunately, Baze and I were contacted by Mon Mothma today. We are needed for a stealth mission, and we are not sure when we will be back." Bodhi looked up at the two men, who had basically adopted him after Scarif.

"When are you leaving?" He wasn't sure if he could survive without their support. Hell, he barely survived with their support.

"Tonight," Baze chimed in.

"Oh." Bodhi's face fell. He knew he was being selfish, but he couldn't stop himself. He looked up at the two men sitting in front of him and smiled. His first real smile in days. "I love you guys." He pulled both men into a hug, despite his immediate reaction to pull away quickly.

Baze and Chirrut returned the hug, squeezing as hard as they would dare. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do I love torturing my favorite characters? The world may never know.  
> Bodhi's panic attack is based off of my personal experiences.  
> Find me on tumblr @andhor


	5. Eyes Always Seeking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi woke up crying. Loudly. Which awoke Cassian.

"I should go speak with Cassian," Baze said, pulling away from Chirrut and Bodhi. He stood up and made his way over to the captain, gesturing that he should follow him outside.

"Is everything alright?" he asked once the doors were closed behind them.

"Chirrut and I are leaving on a mission, and I wanted to ask something of you." Baze took a deep breath, looking down at his shoes before continuing. "Could you look after Bodhi? Make sure he doesn't get hurt any more than he already has. Chirrut and I...we can't stand to see that boy get hurt again."

Cassian started to see a crack in Baze's exterior. This whole incident had taken a toll on everyone. They all blamed themselves, in one way or another. He didn't want to worry the man any more than he probably was.

"Of course. I will make sure that he is safe. You don't need to worry." Baze smiled, patting Cassian on the shoulder. "Good luck on your mission. At least try to be safe."

Baze laughed, "That is impossible when you're married to Chirrut."  
  


They left soon after. Bodhi seemed quieter after they left. He had been cleared to leave the med-bay, and now he and Cassian were walking back to his room from the hangar. They were alone, but the way Bodhi was fidgeting made it obvious that he was uncomfortable. "Hey," Cassian grabbed Bodhi's arm to stop him. "Are you sure you'll be alright in your room? You're more than welcome to stay with me."

Bodhi's heart started beating a little bit faster, but he wasn't sure if it was fear or something else. "I, um, I think I'd like that." Cassian blinked, obviously not expecting that answer. "But I do have to get some things from my room first."

He nodded, "Of course."

It turned out that the "things" Bodhi needed from his room was about 50 blankets. When Cassian asked how he had managed to accumulate all of them, Bodhi just shrugged and smirked. Luckily, their rooms were relatively close together, so transporting all of them wasn't as much of a hassle as it could have been.

But deciding on the sleeping arrangements was a hassle. Bodhi said he was alright with them both sleeping in Cassian's bed, but Cassian could see the fear hiding beneath. He insisted that he didn't want to do anything Bodhi was uncomfortable with. He nodded, saying that he would sleep on the floor then.

"I am not going to make you sleep on the floor!" Cassian protested.

"If it makes you feel better, you're not making me sleep on the floor. I'm _offering_ to sleep on the floor."

It took them an hour to determine that Bodhi would be sleeping on Cassian's bed, with Cassian on the floor right next to it. Another hour later, they were finally settled and falling asleep.

It only lasted a few hours, however. Bodhi woke up crying. Loudly. Which awoke Cassian.

"What? What's wrong?" He asked dazedly, looking worried. Bodhi tried to respond, but his breathing was speeding up. "Shit shit shit," Cassian breathed, moving so that he was sitting next to Bodhi on the bed, but not too close. "Shhh, shh. You're okay, Bodhi. We're in my room, Cassian's room." He rubbed small circles on the other man's back.

He eventually calmed down enough to lay back down. He kicked off his many blankets, mumbling something about being too hot. Cassian stayed where he was until he was sure that Bodhi was back to normal. "I'm sorry I woke you." He whispered, rubbing his eyes.

"You apologize too much," Bodhi assumed that was Cassian accepting his apology. "I'm going to go back on the floor?" Bodhi nodded, readjusting himself as Cassian moved. Once they were both settled, Bodhi tentatively hung his hand off of the bed. A couple of seconds later, he felt the familiar warmth of Cassian's hand enveloping his own.  
  


The nightmares didn't stop. They didn't get better, either. Almost every night Cassian was awoken by sobbing, yelling, thrashing. And every night, Bodhi apologized for waking him up. Cassian always responded with the same thing: "You apologize too much." Then they went back to sleep, always holding each other's hand. It had become a routine of sorts.

They hardly did anything during the day for the first week or so. Cassian wasn't set to leave on a mission for a few months, and he knew that Bodhi wasn't ready for any social interaction. So Cassian would get them food from the mess hall and bring it back, and sometimes he would bribe K-2 to do it.

But Bodhi was getting better. They eventually made their way to the mess hall, Bodhi clutching Cassian's hand in a death grip. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-" he was whispering to himself.

"You alright?" Cassian asked with a smirk.

"Peachy," Bodhi replied. One look at him confirmed that he was very far from "peachy."

Cassian stopped, making Bodhi face him. "Hey. We don't have to do this if you're not ready. I don't want you to feel like you have to do this."

Bodhi swallowed, looking at his boots. "I-I'm ready." Cassian nodded, and gave his friend a smile. A somewhat-genuine one was returned. They walked into the room and Bodhi immediately stiffened. Cassian led him to a fairly secluded table, and sat down right next to him. "I'm okay, I'm good."

And he was. Over the course of a week, the two went out more and more. But there were still bad days.

One night, after a particularly hard day, Bodhi awoke yelling for help.

"I'm here," Cassian sat up, moving to his usual spot on the bed. "I'm here. You're alright." Bodhi immediately latched onto Cassian, burying his head in his chest. He was startled at first, but quickly started rubbing soothing circles onto Bodhi's back.

"Stay?" Bodhi breathed, arms wrapping tighter.

A lump formed in Cassian's throat. "Of-of course." Bodhi sniffed and scooted over, allowing Cassian to have more room. He layed his head on Cassian's shoulder once they were settled, and Cassian wrapped his arm around him.

Bodhi slept much easier after that.


	6. We Should Just Kiss Like Real People Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He told the whole story. Everything he remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writers block is a bitch

K-2SO was fascinated by humans. They were so unpractical, but seemed to make it all work. What was most fascinating, however, was when they fell in love. They suddenly became more ignorant to everything happening around them, even if they were a highly ranking intelligence officer in the Rebel Alliance.

So he decided to mention it to Cassian one day while they were alone. "Are you in love with Bodhi Rook?"

Cassian coughed, setting down his drink. "What?" They were in the mess hall eating breakfast. Bodhi was still asleep and Cassian didn't want to wake him.

"I said are you-" K-2 began, but was immediately shushed by Cassian.

"I heard what you said, genius. What I mean is _what?!_ "

"The question is quite simple. I'm not sure how I could've phrased it better." Cassian huffed, looking around to make sure no one had heard.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

K-2 cocked his head to the side, fans whirring. "Well, ever since his traumatic experience, you two have been spending almost every minute together-"

"Kay, I'm just trying to be a good friend. Bodhi's been through a lot."

"-and not only that, you've been sleeping in the same bed. Additionally, while I am a robot, I do know enough about human interaction to know that 'friends' don't look at each other that way or that often." Cassian set his jaw, looking at the droid. "You should tell him, if you do have feelings. I sense that he feels the same." Something changed in Cassian's face, and he looked at his drink.

"Thanks, Kay."

 

When Bodhi woke up, he found the bed empty. He looked around, not seeing Cassian anywhere in the room. He got up and got ready, zipping up his jumpsuit. He threw away the one he was wearing on that day, but he had stolen a bunch of them on a recent mission he had been on. Kind of crazy, but they were comfortable. And familiar in a very foreign place.

He found a note on the desk from Cassian. _Went to eat with K-2. Be back in a bit. -C_  Bodhi smiled. It had been a month since the Incident, and Cassian had been so helpful throughout everything. If Bodhi was being honest with himself, he wasn't sure if he would be okay without Baze and Chirrut. And with Jyn also gone, it was like their whole pseudo-family that they had created was broken apart. 

But Cassian was different. There was something _more_ there that wasn't there with everyone else. An extra little feeling that made Bodhi's heart race whenever they made eye contact. It made his knees feel weak, and- _Oh god._  He knew what that feeling was.

He tried not to think about it. Instead, he was determined to meet Cassian in the mess hall. He had yet to go out alone, and that was a milestone he wanted to reach.

He stepped out of the door, taking a deep breath. It was only a short walk, he could do this. About halfway through his walk, however, a familiar face crossed his path.

He was surprised he didn't have a full-on panic attack when he saw him. A sign of strength, sure, but Bodhi really would have preferred a panic attack to interacting with him.

"Bodhi Rook! What a coincidence," Ares called. Bodhi swallowed, his hands shaking.

"I-I don't want any trouble......please," Bodhi took a step back, but Ares was inches away from him immediately. Images of that day flashed through Bodhi's mind, and it was like he hadn't made any progress at all.

"Haven't seen you in a while, where have you been?" Bodhi was backed against a wall, and it felt like he was back in the cargo ship.

"N-nowhere." He swallowed, feeling like he was going to cry. His fists were balled, and he was ready to run.

"Really? 'Cause my friends say you've been hanging around with Cassian Andor. Are you guys fucking or-" Ares didn't finish. He was cut off by a fist hitting his face. Bodhi's fist, to be exact. As soon as Ares was distraced, Bodhi bolted. He ran toward the mess hall as fast as his boots could carry him. He heard Ares yell from behind him.

_Keep going. Find Cassian._

He turned the corner into the mess hall and everyone looked at him. He was out of breath, almost crying, and his knuckles were bleeding. Bodhi cleared his throat and walked calmly over to where he and Cassian usually sat.

"Bodhi? What's wrong?" Cassian stood up, walking over to him. Bodhi started to reply, but was cut off by someone grabbing his shoulder and pulling.

He fell on his ass, looking up at Ares. His nose was bleeding and, by the looks of it, broken. He was very obviously angry, and Bodhi was terrified.

But Cassian was furious. "Hey, what the fuck?" He leaned down to help Bodhi up. He took his hand, staying as far away from Ares as he could.

Ares looked up at Cassian, still fuming. "Sorry, I guess I thought he was someone else." He grinded out, and left. Bodhi immediately collapsed down onto the bench. Everyone's eyes were on him and Cassian.

"Bodhi, what was that?" Cassian asked, turning to look at the pilot. K-2 was standing next to him, looking very intimidating.

"I need to tell you something," Bodhi breathed out.

They went back to their room, Cassian telling K-2 to leave them alone. Bodhi sat on the bed after Cassian bandaged his hand, and Cassian stood with his back against the wall. Bodhi played with his goggles, trying to find the courage to tell his story. He was surprisingly calm, and he felt strong.

"So I know you have a vague idea of what....happened. It was kind of obvious based off of, well, everything. But you don't really know the whole story. I didn't know how to tell it without completely breaking down. And I'm not sure if I _can_ tell it without breaking down. But I do want to tell you. For both of us." Bodhi looked up at Cassian, who was looking at his with an emotion that Bodhi couldn't place. He took a deep breath. "I was cleaning out my ship."

He told the whole story. Everything he remembered. Cassian's face shifted between emotions, but mostly he stayed angry. Bodhi looked up at Cassian when he was finished, tears in his eyes. "I-I tried to fight him, Cassian. I really did. He was just too strong, and I was too weak, and...and-"

"Hey, hey, hey. Shhhh." Cassian stepped forward and wrapped Bodhi in a hug. "Listen to me. You are not weak. You are one of the strongest people I know, Bodhi Rook. Because you have been able to get through all of the shit you've been through. So many people would have broken down, but not you. And in my mind, that makes you so strong. Stronger than me, even."

Bodhi looked up at Cassian. And he didn't even think about it. He leaned forward and kissed him softly. When he pulled away, Cassian was smiling. Bodhi laughed through his tears and kissed him again.

But it was bittersweet. They both sat on the bed, Bodhi's head on Cassian's shoulder. Cassian was obviously agitated, and Bodhi knew why. "Cassian, do we need to talk?" 

Cassian got up, leaving Bodhi alone on the bed. "Bodhi, we need to tell someone about this! You can't just live in fear of this man for Force knows how long!" He was pacing, furious at everything.

"Cassian, they couldn't do anything. Besides, Leia isn't here. Her and Jyn are coming back in a week. We can figure out what we're going to do between now and then." Bodhi was starting to get worked up. He didn't _want_ anybody to know about this. It was private, and his privacy had already been violated once.

"But Bodhi, Ares could still...there's a chance he could-" He was struggling to find the right wording.

"He could still what? Rape me again? Can you really still not say it? Force, Cassian, it's only been, what, a month? I would think you more than anyone would understand. You're with me constantly. Hell, we even share a room!" Cassian stopped pacing, rubbing a hand down his face. He looked disheveled, and Bodhi softened just a bit. "Look, Cassian. I know this must be killing you. If the situation were flipped and it had happened to you, Force forbid, I would be furious," He stood up and tilted Cassian's head up, forcing them to make eye contact. "But I would also listen to what you want. And I want to be rational about this."

Cassian nodded. Bodhi leaned forward and pecked him on the lips. "But that won't stop me from punching that guy the next time I see him."

Bodhi laughed, "I already beat you to that one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @andhor


	7. However Scary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't mean to interrupt, but can I talk to Cassian really quick?" Jyn said from behind Bodhi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so sorry that i took so long to write this. writers block is a bitch.

"Cassian. Cassian! Wake up."

"I'm up, what's wrong?" Cassian sat straight up, rubbing his eyes. Bodhi was not in the bed next to him. "Bodhi?"

"Over here," Cassian turned and Bodhi was zipping up his jumpsuit. "Get up, lazy. You have to get ready."

Cassian stretched, watching as Bodhi laced up his boots. "Ready for what?"

Bodhi looked up at him incredulously. "Think about it for a sec, babe. You can figure it out."

It took him a second, but when he did, all he said was "Fuck!" and got ready as fast as he could. Bodhi sat on the bed and watched him with a smirk.

Jyn was coming back from a long mission, and Leia was returning with her. They had both agreed to tell Leia what had happened to- hopefully- get something done about it.

"She's not coming right this second, you can slow down a bit." Bodhi laughed.

"Too late. I'm already ready." Cassian flopped down on the bed, making Bodhi jump. "Sorry," he said sheepishly.

Bodhi shook it off. "I'm really happy Jyn's coming home. But...I wish Baze and Chirrut could be here, you know?" 

Cassian nodded, "Of course." He reached up his hand, which Bodhi took. "They'll be back soon. You know that, right?" Bodhi nodded and squeezed Cassian's hand.

They both heard a pound on the door, followed by K-2 calling to them. "Cassian, Jyn's ship is set to arrive in five minutes. I assumed you would want to be there when she lands." Bodhi sat up, eyes wide.

"Five minutes? Oh my god." He pushed himself off of the bed and grabbed his goggles. "I didn't think she'd be here this soon."

"Bodhi Rook! Hello. You are still in Cassian's room?" K-2 called from outside. Cassian sighed and walked over to the door, opening it.

"Yes, Kay, he is. Thank you for telling us, we will meet you at the landing bay." He didn't wait for a response, he just closed the door. Bodhi was leaning heavily on the desk, staring at the floor. "Bodhi?" He looked up at Cassian, startled.

"I don't think I can do this. Tell her, I mean. It was hard enough to tell you, and the only reason I really had the courage to tell you was because I punched Ares. What if- _oh Force-_  what if she thinks I'm lying? What if Leia thinks I'm lying. I'll be kicked out of the resistance and-" Cassian barely understood anything he said. His speech was rapid, almost slurring together.

"Hey, _hey._ Bodhi," Cassian stepped forward, pulling Bodhi into a hug. "It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine." Bodhi sniffed, trying not to cry. He pulled away from the hug and looked up at Cassian.

"Okay. Okay. We should, um, we should go." He pulled his goggles onto his head as Cassian stepped back. " _I can do this._ " He whispered to himself as they walked out the door.

 

"Jyn!" Bodhi yelled, running to her as she exited the ship.

"Bodhi!" She ran forward as fast as she could and hugged him.

Jyn had barely survived Scarif. A rogue shot from Director Krennic right before his death hit her leg, causing her to need a prosthetic. Luckily, being a hero of the Rebellion had its perks. She received one that was top-of-the-line. She still had some limited motion, but she always said she preferred missing a leg to being dead.

Bodhi took a step back, smiling from ear to ear. Jyn noticed Cassian behind him and nodded. Cassian returned the gesture. "Jyn," he said.

"Captain." She looked around, then back at Bodhi. "Where are Baze and Chirrut?"

Bodhi swallowed, "They're on a mission. Left about a month ago. They weren't sure when," he didn't say the _-or if-_ that was on his tongue, "they'll be back." 

Jyn nodded and looked back at the ship. "Sorry, I have to help Leia really quick. We have information for Mon Mothma."

Cassian stepped forward, "We actually need to speak with the princess, if that isn't too much trouble?" Bodhi instinctively grabbed his hand and leaned into him.

She looked between them and nodded. "Of course. Just a moment." She walked back toward the ship, entering it. Bodhi looked up at Cassian, forcing a smile. _It's going to be fine._

Cassian smiled back and kissed him lightly on the forehead. "Would you like to tell Jyn first or Leia?"

Bodhi looked at his boots. "I'm not sure if I want to tell Jyn the whole story. Too hard, y'know? But I would like to talk to her first." Cassian nodded and smiled.

"Princess, I would like to introduce you to Bodhi Rook. You already know Captain Cassian Andor." Bodhi and Cassian looked up to see Jyn standing next to Leia, introducing them.

Cassian inclined his head, "Princess."

Bodhi awkwardly waved. He had met Mon Mothma and heard of Leia, but he had never met her. She was a force of nature, and he felt like he was trapped in her gaze. He assumed that you had to be when you led a rebellion.

"Bodhi Rook. How nice to meet you. Finally. Apologies that I've never met you in person, you must know how busy we've been planning the attack. I haven't had the chance to thank you." Leia smiled, and Bodhi cocked his head.

"Th-thank me? I haven't done anything. At least, I don't think?" He looked up at Cassian questioningly.

"You are one of the sole reason's we have the plans for the Death Star. If you hadn't defected, the Rebellion would never have known about the flaw. For evil men to accomplish their purpose it is only necessary that good men should do nothing. You are a hero, Bodhi." Leia said.

The word bounced around in Bodhi's head a couple of times before it registered. _Hero._ Princess Leia Organa had just called him a hero. He opened his mouth to argue, but Cassian put a hand on his shoulder. Instead he cleared his throat and said, "Thank you, Princess."

Leia nodded and looked to her right. "Jyn said that you needed to speak with me?"

Cassian nodded, "Yes, Princess, do you have a more secluded place that we could speak, it's sort of private." Leia nodded and motioned for them to follow her. Bodhi didn't move. "Bodhi, are you coming?" Cassian called back.

"You go and speak with Leia. I want to talk to Jyn by myself." Cassian smiled and continued to follow Leia.

Jyn smiled toothily at Bodhi. "What's this about, huh? Got a crush on Skywalker?"

Bodhi smiled and shook his head. "No, someone else. But that's not what I want to talk about. Wanna sit?" He motioned to a box nearby. Jyn nodded and sat, rubbing at where her prosthetic met her leg. "While you were away, a lot happened. I went on a couple of missions, adjusted to life. And then something happened.

"I-I was in my ship one morning when another pilot came in and...and," He took a deep breath to slow his breathing, "And he took advantage of me. Baze and Chirrut found me a couple hours later. I was unconscious so they took me to the med-bay."

Jyn put her hand on Bodhi's shoulder, "Oh my Force, Bodhi." She pulled him into a hug, and Bodhi buried his face in her shoulder. "When did this happen?"

"About a month ago. Right before Baze and Chirrut left. I've been spending all of my time with Cassian since." Jyn pulled back from the hug. "He's been amazing throughout all of this. I'm not sure if I would have been able to get through it without him."

Jyn smiled, but immediately looked up when a thought dawned on her. "Wait- _who the fuck did it?_ " She had murder in her eyes, and one half of Bodhi really wanted to tell her so she would beat the living shit out of him. But the other half of him realized that he needed to be rational.

"That's what Cassian is telling Leia right now. We're hoping she can do something about it."

 

" _What do you mean there's nothing you can do?!_ " Cassian yelled, making Mon Mothma turn toward him quickly.

"Our apologies, Captain Andor, but reprimanding this pilot is not on the top of the Rebellion's to-do list at the moment. We have larger matters that we need to attend to," she practically scolded.

"I am not saying that. I am just saying that Ares poses a threat to members in the rebellion. He needs to be made an example. You do not _do_ that to people," Cassian was fuming, but trying to stay as calm as he could.

"It's not as if we have a protocol for this sort of thing. What could we even do?"

Leia, who had been silent the whole time, suddenly spoke up, "We have a jail of sorts set up. We should have him stay there. He can't just be walking around the base at all times. He could potentially take advantage of someone else."

Mon Mothma nodded, "I suppose. We'll have a droid retrieve him as soon as we can."

Cassian let out a breath. "Thank you. I will tell Bodhi." He turned and left the room, walking back toward the hangar. He saw Jyn and Bodhi talking animatedly when he arrived, and he smiled. 

Bodhi looked up at him when he got closer and stood up, "So?"

"They are going to have him stay in a makeshift jail. They wanted to be sure that this does not happen again." Cassian assured him. A smile broke out on Bodhi's face and he trapped Cassian in a hug.

"Thank you so much." He breathed into his jacket. Cassian returned the hug.

"Don't mean to interrupt, but can I talk to Cassian really quick?" Jyn said from behind Bodhi. 

The two men stepped apart and Bodhi nodded. "Of course. I'm gonna go back to the room." He left, and Jyn and Cassian were alone for the first time since Scarif.

"You've healed well," Cassian motioned to her leg.

Jyn moved it around slightly. "What, this thing? I hate it. I miss the old one, of course." She took a step forward, getting straight to the point. "Look, I was in the med-bay as the same time as Bodhi. After Scarif, I mean. I saw how you sat next to him. You never left his side. I'm assuming it was the same when he was in the med-bay last month." Cassian opened his mouth to interrupt, but Jyn didn't stop talking. "Bodhi has been through a lot more than the rest of us. He needs people in his life that are going to care about him. I'm...not sure if I fit that role. Leia and I are leaving for another mission very soon.

"What I'm saying is that Bodhi needs you. He seems to be very infatuated with you, also. So please, don't break his heart." Cassian's cheeks were slightly pink, and he nodded. He was still trying to process her speech. "He's become my little brother, kind of. Just- take care of him. Please?"

Cassian nodded, "Of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr @andhor


	8. Why Were You Digging?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was thinking about a lot of things. Cassian, mostly. The Empire. His anger.

The attack on the Death Star was coming. A month away, at the most. All of the pilots in the Rebellion were going through countless hours of training.

Bodhi could often be found sitting on the edge of one of the hangars, watching as the X-Wings went through formations. At least that was where Cassian always found him.

"How long have you been out here?" He sat down next to Bodhi, grasping his hand.

Bodhi looked down at their entwined fingers. "I dunno. Not long? An hour maybe." He looked up at the sky, a look of longing crossing his face. "I just like watching them. I've always liked watching them, really. When I joined the Empire I wanted to fly TIE Fighters, but I didn't score high enough."

"You're rambling," Cassian interrupted. Bodhi smiled and looked at him. "Well, hopefully you can tell us what you like flying more, TIE Fighters or X-Wings. That's a very heated dispute. Of course, we've never had a way to test it."

Bodhi's eyes widened. "What are you saying, Cassian?" He turned so that their knees touched.

"Leia requested that you join the team of X-Wing fighters that are going to lead the attack on the Death Star. It might take a little work, but I told her you would be a great pilot." He held out a data pad with Bodhi's picture along with some information on it. "Rogue Squad. Seemed fitting." Bodhi slowly grabbed the data pad, not taking his eyes off of Cassian. His hands were shaking, and Cassian grabbed them. "You don't have to if you don't want to, but I figured because-"

Bodhi cut Cassian off with a rough kiss. Cassian's eyes widened with surprise, but quickly closed. They were both out of breath when they pulled away. "Cassian, I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. You deserve this." Bodhi smiled, feeling like he was going to cry.  "All the information that you need is on that data pad. Flight practice starts this afternoon."

Bodhi stood up quickly, staring at the data pad. "I don't know if I can do this, Cass. I mean, an X-Wing pilot? I-I wasn't even that good at being a cargo pilot..." Bodhi's hands started shaking, and he could feel himself getting worked up.

Cassian's hands wrapped around Bodhi's shaking ones. "Bodhi, don't say that." Bodhi looked up at Cassian. "You got us in and out of Scarif. You saved all of us."

Bodhi didn't respond. He hated that he was like this. Cassian was constantly validating him, and why? There was nothing _to_ validate. Everything right he had done, every good thing he had done, someone else had guided him through it. Galen had urged him to defect. Cassian and Jyn told him to go to Scarif with them. 

Was that all he was? A blind follower? He knew that's what he was to the Empire. But he thought his life would change once he defected. He thought it would be.....more.

"I-I have to think about this." Bodhi looked up, pushing the data pad back into Cassian's hands. "I have to..." He trailed off, turning and running out of the hangar.

"Bodhi...!" But he was gone. "Fuck. _Fuck!"_ He knew he should have asked Bodhi if he wanted to be a fighter pilot, not just shoved the idea down his throat.

He tucked the data pad into his jacket pocket and walked out of the hangar. He needed to find K-2, he could help find Bodhi faster.

 

Bodhi liked to think that he wasn't hiding. Back before the incident, that is. But right after talking with Cassian about becoming a fighter pilot he _was_ , in fact, hiding. 

Not very well, though. He wasn't sure if it could be called hiding if you were in your bedroom. Well, his old bedroom.

He was sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. His eyes were closed and his head was tilted back. Tears slid down his cheeks, but no sounds came out of his mouth. He was messing with his goggles and thinking, like he told Cassian he would be. He was thinking about a lot of things. Cassian, mostly. The Empire. His anger.

Bodhi didn't like to talk about his past. The only thing people needed to know about him was that he defected from the Empire. After hearing that, people assumed that he was nothing but a threat. A possible spy. Still Imperial scum.

But his life didn't start with the Empire. It ended with it. From a young age, he was always surrounded by Stormtroopers. Jedha City was crawling with them. He was warned of the Empire, warned just to blend into the background. Never cause a scene.

And he was good at that. Staying hidden, blending in. He earned credits working for small shop owners who needed help. It wasn't the best source of income, but it helped out his family. He, his mom, and his younger sister lived near the edges of Jedha city. And they always had enough to get by.

Until his mom got sick. She had to stop working. And Bodhi had to find a better job. A paying job. And at that time, the only place hiring was the Empire. He did what he had to do. _I did what I had to do._

He went in with the intentions of piloting a TIE Fighter. He had always loved the idea of piloting. But training was hard. And he was soft. So he became a cargo pilot. Wired credits back to his family monthly. He learned to live with himself.

When Galen came to him, telling him he could do something right; it drew him in. Galen said he had to find Saw Gerrera, on Jedha. Bodhi imagined that he could deliver the message, then return to his family. But then the Death Star came. Destroyed Jedha City. Killed his family. He found himself feeling no emotion for them then.

But it hit him like a ton of bricks at this moment. Bodhi sat forward on his old bed, and cried.

A knock at the door. "Bodhi?" It was Cassian.

Bodhi sniffed. "Come in." 

The door opened and Cassian stepped in, looking worried. "I, uh, I've been looking for you." Bodhi nodded, twiddling his thumbs. "Bodhi, what's wrong?"

Bodhi looked at the wall in front of him. And he laughed. "What's wrong?" He stood up, running both hands through his hair. "I hate being like this. Being so weak. I feel like I'm always feeling like such shit about myself, and you're always having to come in and save me. Not to mention, almost half of the Rebellion hates me. I'm the Imperial Pilot, the one who supposedly defected who nobody trusts."

"Bodhi-"

" _No!_ Don't try and act like you don't see it. That-that you don't see how everyone looks at me! Like I'm going to meet up with Darth Vader afterward and discuss the latest rebel plans. I'm not some Imperial lackey! Not anymore. I defected. _I defected!_ I risked my life to get Galen's message to Saw Gerrera and the Rebellion. Can't they see that? 

"My home city, my _family_ was destroyed. But they still can't see past this _stupid patch on my shoulder!"_ Bodhi took a deep breath. Cassian was silent. "I've lost everything. And just when I thought I got something back, Ares fucking takes it from me. And-and...I've never allowed myself to be _angry._ I've always just sat and felt bad for myself. But I'm so angry, I feel like I'm going to implode. Which is such bullshit! I just- argh!"

Bodhi picked up a piece of machinery that was on the desk next to him and threw it. It smashed against the wall, followed by another. And another. Until Bodhi ran out of things to throw. He collapsed to the floor, sobbing. He vaguely felt Cassian's hands grab his shoulders. The sobs wracked his whole body, and he felt like he was coming apart at the seams. Maybe he was imploding. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> this chapter was supposed to go completely differently, idk man


	9. Where You Came From

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So," Jyn rubbed her hands together and looked at Bodhi, "How was your first day of flight school?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to thank all of you guys for all of the love i've gotten for this fic! i honestly didn't expect this and i'm living for it so thank you! and enjoy!

Bodhi was a heap on the floor, shaking. Surrounded by pieces of machinery, soft sobs were coming from him.

Cassian cursed and lifted him up slightly by his shoulders. "Bodhi? C'mon babe, you've gotta get up." Bodhi looked up at him, face wet and eyes red.

"I'm doing it again, aren't I?" Bodhi sat up, leaning against the side of the bed.

"Doing what?"

"Being pathetic," He practically spat the last word, rubbing the heel of his hands on his eyes while doing so. 

Cassian moved so that he was sitting next to him, and he grabbed Bodhi's hand. "You're not being pathetic. All of us have been where you are now. It takes a toll on you, all of this." He rubbed small circles on the top of Bodhi's hand. "What makes you not pathetic is if you fight back. Which you have done. So, by my logic, you're not pathetic. Sorry to disappoint you." He looked over to find Bodhi smiling softly.

"Thanks, Cass." He looked down at their entwined hands and brought Cassian's up to his lips. "So, uh, is the offer of piloting still up for grabs? Because suddenly I feel like fighting back."

Cassian smiled and nodded, "Of course. Leia is probably waiting for your answer. She seemed very excited about the prospect of you being a pilot, you know."

Bodhi grinned, "I know."

Cassian looked over at him, "Look who's feeling cocky now that they're a Rebellion fighter pilot. The X-Wing has changed you." Bodhi laughed, a full, head thrown back laugh. Cassian thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen in a while.

 

Bodhi walked into the training room to find a bunch of people just kind of hanging out. He was obviously early, so he stayed by the edges of the room. He watched as everyone seemed to be gathered around one person. They were all trying to get a look at the person, and Bodhi wondered who it was.

"Pilots!" Bodhi was broken out of his thoughts by a man speaking in the front of the room. "Good evening. My name, as most of you know, is Jan Dodonna. I will be working with all of you these upcoming weeks to prepare you for the attack on the Death Star. 

"We now know of a weakness in the Death Star, thanks to a group of Rebels who have coined the name 'Rogue One' for themselves." Bodhi's mind briefly flashed back to that day at Scarif, but it didn't stay there long. "I cannot promise that all of you will survive this battle. But, I can promise that all of you will be optimally prepared to win this battle. Now, please go get into uniform and meet me in the hangar."

Everyone started mumbling to themselves, and Bodhi started to make his way to the lockers. He noticed how people whispered amongst themselves as he walked by. He tried his best to ignore them.

He reached his locker before anybody else. He opened it and stared at the orange flight suit in front of him. How different it was from the gray Imperial one he was currently wearing. He pulled it out and held it, not really knowing how he felt about the change.

"Hey, Bodhi Rook, right?" Bodhi flinched, remembering those words coming out of another's mouth. But he turned to see Skywalker standing in front of him. Luke, that was his name.

"Yeah, that's me. Luke Skywalker, right?" Bodhi held out his hand.

Luke smiled and nodded. "Yeah," he shook Bodhi's hand. "So you're the infamous defector. The one who let us know about these plans in the first place." Luke moved to open the locker next to Bodhi.

Bodhi nodded and started to unlace his boots. "That's me, I guess."

Luke laughed, "Not one for attention, are you Rook?" 

Bodhi shrugged, "I guess not. In the Empire, you kind of learn to fade into the background. Any attention is bad attention." Luke nodded.

They proceeded to get ready in silence. It turned out that Rebellion flight suits were much more complicated than Imperial ones. Bodhi got stuck more than once, and Luke had to help him at one point.

But he finally got it on. He looked down at himself and smiled slightly. "It suits you." Bodhi looked up to see Luke closing his locker and grinning. He smiled wider and grabbed his helmet.

"Yeah, I think it does." He closed his locker and followed Luke to the hangar. Everyone was buzzing with energy, and Luke led him to a small group of pilots near the center of the large group.

"Bodhi, this is Biggs, Wedge, and Garvin. Everyone, this is Bodhi Rook." Luke pointed in turn to three pilots, who each smiled at him. Bodhi awkwardly waved.

"Welcome to the Starfighter Corps, Rook. What's your callsign?" Garvin asked.

"Uh, Rogue Leader." Bodhi readjusted his goggles on his head.

Biggs nodded, looking impressed. "Well, good luck kid. From one Imperial to another." He winked and turned to where Jan Dadonna was approaching.

"Pilots! Now that you're all in the proper attire, we need to get started. You all should know your callsigns and your ships' IDs. We will bein by going over basic formations. Okay, get with your squadrons!"

The rest of the day was spent flying. Bodhi had never flown an X-Wing before, but he had flown a TIE Fighter, and they weren't all that different. X-Wings, however, were a lot less cramped.

There was some anxiety. Jan Dadonna seemed to bring up the fact that not all of them would survive very often, and after about the tenth time, all of the pilots were a bit on edge.

But everyone knew how high the stakes were. The Death Star was a threat to the entire galaxy, and if it continued to be in the Empire's hands, there would be no hope for the Rebellion. They needed this surprise attack.

And Bodhi was ready. By the end of the day, he was almost completely confident in himself and his squadron.

He met up with Luke in the locker room after they were done for the day. "So, how do you like X-Wings?" Luke asked.

Bodhi pursed his lips, "There's definitely more leg room that TIE Fighters. That's for sure."

Luke laughed as he unzipped his flight suit. "Good to know, I guess." They both continued to get dressed. "But seriously, Rook. You did good out there."

Bodhi blushed, zipping up his normal Imperial jumpsuit. "Thanks, Luke. You too." He smiled and closed his locker, heading out toward the mess hall. He and Cassian had agreed to meet there with Jyn after he was done training.

He walked in and found Jyn, K-2, and Cassian sitting at their usual table in the back. Cassian waved him over with a bright smile on his face. "Hey," Bodhi greeted. Cassian stood up and kissed him, long and slow.

Jyn made a sound of disgust, "Ugh, get a room." Bodhi looked to find her smiling playfully.

"We have a room, genius," Cassian sat down across from her, and Bodhi sat next to him.

"Well then use it, _genius_." She stuck her tongue out at them.

"They have been using it, Jyn. Bodhi and Cassian have been sleeping in the same room for weeks-" K-2 started, but was cut off by Cassian.

"Thank you, Kay, but I think she knows that."

K-2 stared at Cassian for a few seconds before saying, "Alright." Jyn looked smug and Cassian rolled his eyes.

"So," Jyn rubbed her hands together and looked at Bodhi, "How was your first day of flight school?"

Bodhi groaned. "It is not 'flight school.' We're preparing for the attack on the Death Star. And it was fine. I talked with Luke Skywalker a lot and we seemed to both agree that we're doing something very important for the Rebellion."

Jyn perked up at the mention of Luke. "You talked with Skywalker? Did he mention Solo at all? Leia and I have a theory that they're a thing. Well, it's more of a bet than a theory. I bet her that they're together. She thinks they're not. I think I'm right."

Bodhi thought back to earlier that day. He thought he remembered seeing Solo and the Wookie standing near the back of the hangar, watching. He had thought it odd that they would be there, but now hearing Jyn's theory, it made sense. But he wasn't gonna tell Jyn that. "He didn't mention Solo. Sorry."

Jyn swore. She suddenly seemed to remember something, and stood up quickly. " _Kriff!_ I was supposed to meet Leia for a meeting! I have to go." And she was gone. Bodhi watched her run off with a smile on his face.

"I've always wondered about Han and Chewbacca. How they met, I mean. It's strange, don't you think?" Cassian asked, and Bodhi nodded.

"Wanna go back to the room?" Bodhi asked, and Cassian grabbed his hand.

"Sure. Kaytoo, make sure Jyn doesn't get into too much trouble, will you?"

K-2 stood and looked at the both of them, "I don't understand why I always have to babysit her. I am a very intelligent droid."

"We know, K." Cassian sighed, and stood up. Bodhi held onto his hand and leaned his head on his shoulder. "So really, how did it go today?"

Bodhi hummed, "Good. I met a couple other guys who are also Imperial defectors. Nice to know I'm not the only one. And Luke was really nice to me. It was good." He smiled up at Cassian. "Thanks. For everything."

Cassian nodded, "You're welcome, Bodhi." They had reached their room, and Bodhi opened the door, staring at Cassian. Cassian cocked his head to the side, looking at Bodhi with a smug look. "Yes?"

"You're really good looking. Has anyone ever told you that?" Bodhi stepped backward into the room, pulling Cassian with him. 

Cassian closed the door behind him and blushed. "Not that I can think of, no." Bodhi nodded and pulled Cassian toward him by the front of his jacket and kissed him.

It started off soft, but quickly grew in intensity. Bodhi vaguely felt his back hitting the wall behind him, but the only thing in his mind was Cassian. 

Bodhi was touch-starved. He wanted intimacy, and he wanted Cassian. His recent experiences combined with the chance of not surviving the next month made him, for lack of a better word, desperate.

Cassian's hand's squeezed his hips, and Bodhi sighed against his lips. He moved to take off Cassian's jacket, and Cassian began unzipping his flight suit. They both broke apart to breathe, and Bodhi looked up at Cassian. "I love you," he breathed out, and Cassian froze. Bodhi blinked, confused. "Cass? Was I- was that uncalled for? I-"

Cassian cut Bodhi off with a hard kiss, and Bodhi's mind was reeling when he pulled back. "I love you too, Bodhi Rook."

A smile spread across Bodhi's face, and he pushed Cassian back lightly. Cassian returned the smile, and pulled his shirt off over his head. Bodhi's heart started beating faster, and the situation started to feel wrong.

"C-Cassian?" Cassian looked at Bodhi, and his expression fell.

"Bodhi? Are you alright?" He stepped forward and took Bodhi's hands.

"I don't think I'm ready for, um, for this." He motioned between them, and Cassian's heart dropped.

" _Oh._  Okay." He took a step back and rubbed the back of his neck.

Bodhi's eyes widened, "No! Babe, not us," he took a step forward and put his hands on Cassian's shoulders. "I'm just not ready for...intimacy. Not yet, at least. But I am 100% sure about us. I promise." Cassian nodded, a small smile starting to form on his face. But Bodhi could tell he still didn't believe him. "Cassian, I have to ask you something."

Cassian looked up at Bodhi from where he was staring at the floor, "Yeah?"

"Will you go out with me?" Cassian was silent for a few seconds, then he started laughing. Bodhi grinned, watching as Cassian's face lit up. Bodhi smiled, "I'm being serious! We haven't really made it official yet. I would like to be able to call you my boyfriend."

Cassian looked down at Bodhi, still smiling widely. "Of course I will go out with you." They both smiled and kissed each other softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like luke is so out of character but oh well
> 
> find me on tumblr @andhor


	10. Like Real People Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "O-okay. I," he swallowed, "I need to go." Cassian nodded, pulling Bodhi in for a kiss. It was long and deep, but bittersweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: completely ignores canon

Bodhi was jolted awake by the sound of the base's alarm going off. "Cassian?" he asked, feeling around the bed for his boyfriend.

"I'm up, I'm here," Cassian sat up next to him, and they both looked at each other. "Get dressed. Whatever this is, it can't be good." Cassian got out of bed pulling his shirt on over his head. Bodhi followed suit, pulling on his flight suit.

"Pilots," a voice flooded out the siren, and Bodhi looked up. "Please make your way toward your lockers and change into your flight suits. I repeat: pilots, make your way towards your lockers and change into your flight suits. Prepare for attack." _Attack._

"Attack?" Cassian had just finished pulling on his shoes.

"They-they have to be talking about the Death Star attack. But we're supposed to have more training time. They can't possibly think we're ready!" Bodhi ran his hands through his hair, and he could feel his heartbeat in his throat.

Cassian grabbed his arms, and Bodhi flinched. "Bodhi, you can't afford to do this right now. It might not even be the Death Star. But if it is, your squadron needs you to stay calm... _I_ need you to stay calm." Bodhi nodded, looking into Cassian's eyes.

"O-okay. I," he swallowed, "I need to go." Cassian nodded, pulling Bodhi in for a kiss. It was long and deep, but bittersweet.

When Cassian pulled away, he smiled sadly. "I love you. I'll see you after all of this."

Bodhi nodded, "Yeah. See you." He left the room, jogging toward the lockers. People were rushing around, looking scared. Bodhi tried his best to calm his nerves, but all he could think about was what could go wrong.

He turned one corner and ran straight into somebody. "Oof! Sorry, I- Luke!"

"Bodhi!" Luke smiled and patted him on the shoulder. They both continued the jog to the lockers together.

"Do you know what this is about? I thought the attack on the Death Star wasn't for another month?" Bodhi asked, trying to hide his fear behind curiosity.

"It was. But Mon Mothma and Leia are worried that the Empire is onto us. If we want a surprise attack, it's gotta be now." Luke explained, and Bodhi nodded. He didn't know what to say, he just hoped Cassian was safe.

 

"Captain Andor!" Mon Mothma greeted Cassian as he walked into the control room, "We've had to move the attack on the Death Star up. The Empire might have caught wind of our plans, and we need to strike now. I hope you're prepared."

Cassian crossed his arms and looked at the leader of the Rebellion, "As ready as I'll ever be."

Mon Mothma nodded and motioned toward one of the screens in front of her. "While the Empire is distracted with the Death Star, we will be relocating the Rebel Base to Hoth. You, K-2SO, and a few other pilots will be flying Rebels who aren't involved in the battle there in transport ships."

Cassian nodded, mind flashing to the knowledge he'd gained on Hoth. It was a glacier of a planet, with below-freezing temperatures year round. It was a few systems away from Yavin-IV, but not that far.

He heard a noise behind him and turned. Princess Leia walked in, looking angry. "Princess? Is everything alright?" Mon Mothma asked her.

Leia looked up, realizing that she had an audience. "Everything's fine. Are we all set for the attack?"

Mon Mothma nodded, "Just about. All of the non-essential rebels are boarding their transport ships now. And the pilots are being prepped for launch."

Cassian looked at Leia, sensing that something was off. "Mon Mothma, may I speak to the Princess for a moment?" He asked.

Mon Mothma looked at him, and then back at Leia. "Of course, I sneed to speak with Admiral Ackbar, anyway." She quickly left, and Cassian watched as Leia fumed.

"Are you okay?"

Leia looked up at him, frustrated, "Of course I'm fine."

Cassian sighed, looking down at his boots. "What's Jyn doing?" Leia looked up at him, obviously surprised. "It has to be her. I know that look. It's what I look like whenever Bodhi does something stupid."

Leia sighed, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. "She's being ridiculous. She wants to join the attack on the Death Star! I told her no, absolutely not. She's not mentally or physically prepared for that type of flying. Then she got angry, yelled at me, and stormed off. And I don't know where she is."

Cassian nodded, "That sounds like her. But you shouldn't worry. She's smart, she won't do anything stupid."

Jyn rolled her eyes and scoffed, "I'm not so sure." She took a deep breath, settling herself. "But it doesn't matter. We have more important matters to attend to. Captain, I need you to get to your transport immediately. You should be departing soon."

Cassian smiled sadly at her, trying to show as much sympathy as he could. "Yes, Princess. May the force be with you."

Leia looked at him, pride in her eyes, "May the force be with all of us."

 

"Get to your ships! Remember your formations, and don't stray from the plan!" Jan Dadonna told the pilots, and everyone in the hangar rushed around. "May the force be with us!"

Bodhi turned toward his squadron, all of whom seemed so much younger now than he thought they were before. He shook the thought from his mind, and steeled himself. "You heard Jan. Get to your ships!" They all nodded and scrambled. Bodhi jogged to his ship, waving to Luke as he went. He climbed the ladder up to the cockpit, putting on his helmet once he was inside. "Rogue Squadron, this is Rogue Leader. Do you copy?"

"This is Rogue 2, I copy Rogue Leader."

"Rogue 3, I copy."

"Copy, Rogue 4 hearing you loud and clear."

"Rogue 5 also copies."

"Excellent, let's get ready for takeoff. Remember the plan?" Bodhi asked. He was met with a chorus of yes's, and he smiled. "Let's kick some Empire ass."

A few cheers could be heard over the comm. Bodhi turned on his thrusters, easing out of the hanger. Four other X-Wings followed him, and they quickly jumped into hyperspace.

When they got out of hyperspace, Bodhi looked at the looming figure in front of him.

He had seen the Death Star before. He had seen it's power, too. Which made seeing it directly in front of him all that much more intimidating. But Cassian's words echoed in the back of his mind, and he pushed his fear back.

"Okay, Rogue Squadron. Target the TIE Fighters. Protect the Red and Gold Squadrons. Good luck." Bodhi turned his X-Wing, heading toward a group of X-Wings being followed by TIE Fighters. He shot some of them down, then maneuvered himself away from some that were trailing him.

"Rogue Leader, this is Rogue 3. I'm being trailed by 3 TIE Fighters, I need assistance. Now!" Bodhi looked to his left and saw Rogue 3. He turned his ship and shot down the TIE Fighters. "Thanks, Rogue Leader. Wasn't looking good for a second there."

"No problem, Rogue 3." He moved his ship so that he was moving toward the Death Star. "Rogue Squadron, we need to get closer to the Death Star. We need to destroy this thing, and he only way to do that is if Red Squadron gets the perfect shot. Get in formation."

"Bodhi! Behind you!"

 

Cassian was on his third trip from Yavin IV to Hoth. There was no news from the Death Star, and he'd be lying if he said he weren't nervous.

He'd been in the Rebellion for years. He knew that chances of survival were low. Lower, even, when you were in the front lines of the fight. Which Bodhi was. He tried not to think about it, but the flights between planets were long. And Cassian's brain seemed to hate him.

His fingers drummed against his thigh, waiting for all of the rebels to board the ship. Almost everyone had a small backpack full of things, and Cassian looked down to the bag at his feet. In it was only a few things: a few extra articles of clothing for Bodhi and him, a small piece of machinery that he was tinkering with, and Bodhi's goggles. he had forgotten them when he had rushed out of the room, and Cassian knew he'd be devastated if he lost them.

He had been told that this should be the last transport, then all of the rebels who weren't fighting would all be on Hoth. Cassian had seen everyone walk onto Hoth, and they looked very cold. He was currently wearing a large jacket, and it seemed that most of the rebels entering the ship were, too.

"Hey, Cassian. How you holding up?" Kes Dameron, one of Cassian's close friends, greeted him as he walked through the door. 

Cassian stood up and hugged him, "Okay, I guess. And you?" Kes's wife, Shara, was a part of the attack.

"As good as I can really. Just trying not to think about it," he replied. Cassian nodded and smiled, and Kes patted him on the shoudler. "It's good to see you happy again, Cassian. I'm glad you and Bodhi are together. You're good for each other."

Cassian looked down at his shoes, laughing slightly, "Yeah, he's great. Can't wait to see him after all of this."

 

Bodhi looked behind him, and saw 5 TIE Fighters tailing him. They seemed to be locked on, and he tried to move out of the way. "This is Rogue Leader, I need some help out here. I'm being tailed by half a dozen TIE Fighters and I can't get away!" He called over the comm.

"Coming!" Rogue 5 responded, and Bodhi grimaced.

"Hurry!" No matter what he did, he couldn't shake the ships. He reached toward his neck for his goggles, but they weren't there. Bodhi swallowed and banked right. "Rogue 5, where are you!?"

"Rogue 5 is down, sir. I'm coming in to help!" Rogue 3's voice sounded in his ear, and his heart dropped. Of course he knew that people were going to die. But it was completely different in the moment.

"I can't keep 'em off of me for much longer, guys." His voice was strained, and the only thing in his mind at that moment was Cassian.

He had promised him that he'd see him after all of this. He couldn't break that promise.

"I'm coming, just hold on a-" Bodhi couldn't hear the rest of that sentence. He was hit, and his X-Wing was spiraling out of control.

He screamed, and tried to maneuver himself at all. But nothing was working. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the ominous shape of the Death Star in front of him.

 

The control room erupted with cheers when they heard the news. The Death Star was destroyed. They had won.

The pilots were slowly making their way to Hoth. About half of them were already there, and Cassian waited anxiously toward the back of the freezing cold hangar.

Luke showed up after Cassian had been waiting for a little bit, and he was met with congratulations all around. He was quickly followed by Solo and the Wookie, and they embraced when they saw each other. There was definitely something there, Cassian could tell.

More and more pilots showed up, and more and more of them weren't Bodhi. Cassian's chest felt hollow, and he was starting to think the unimaginable.

"Captain Andor?" Cassian turned to find the Princess, looking concerned. "Can I speak with you?" Cassian swallowed. She turned and walked down a hallway, and he wordlessly followed. They turned and entered a secluded room. "I just spoke with Luke. I have some bad news." Cassian's heart sank, and his knees buckled. He barely caught himself on the wall, and Leia helped guide him to a chair.

"Don't. Please don't." He put his face in his hands, and he felt his heartbeat in his stomach. "Don't say that he's dead." His hands were wet, and his cheeks must have been also.

"I'm so sorry, Cassian. None of the Rogue Squadron have been contacted. It's believed that none of them survived."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	11. Neither Should You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Does Jyn know?" His voice was weak, and his face hurt from crying.

Cassian was numb. His heart, his body, his mind: all numb. He sat in the chair, Leia's words echoing in his mind. _None of the Rogue Squadron have been contacted. It's believed that none of them survived._

It couldn't be possible. Bodhi had promised him. He had promised him that they would see each other after all of this. So many thoughts raced through his head, but only one came to the surface.

"Does Jyn know?" His voice was weak, and his face hurt from crying.

Leia's head dropped. "No. Neither do Baze and Chirrut. All three of them are waiting in a common area for both of you." _Baze and Chirrut._ They hadn't even crossed his thoughts. Leia seemed to read his mind. "They returned earlier today. They were asking about both of you."

Cassian's heart dropped. "I can't. I can't tell them. Oh Force," his voice broke, and he ran his hands through his hair.

"I could tell them for you. I'm so sorry Cassian, I hope you know that. He won't be forgotten. You have to know that." Cassian nodded, looking at Leia through tears. "I will go break the news." And with that she was gone, leaving Cassian alone. _Truly alone,_ he thought, and a sob wracked his body.

Bodhi was dead. After surviving so much, persevering through things that some people couldn't even imagine; he was dead.

Cassian was still sitting in the chair when Baze, Chirrut, and Jyn walked into the room. He stood up and opened his arms to Jyn, who immediately buried her head in his chest. She shook with sobs, and Cassian stood there. Numb. He vaguely felt Jyn clutching onto his jacket.

Baze and Chirrut stood in front of him, Chirrut's head on Baze's shoulder. They both looked resigned. Cassian thought he saw the same numbness in Baze's gaze that he felt inside. Chirrut was clutching his staff, mumbling his mantra over and over to himself.

Jyn pulled herself away from Cassian, eyes red and face blotchy. "I-I'm going to go talk to Leia." She sniffed, and grabbed Cassian's hand. She squeezed it tightly and left, leaving Cassian alone with Baze and Chirrut.

"I'm so sorry," Cassian whispered, voice raspy.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Baze sighed, moving to sit in a chair. Chirrut followed him.

"I do, though. I promised to protect him. And I didn't. In fact, I was the one who convinced him to become a fighter pilot! I-" his throat felt thick, and he swallowed, "I killed him. I killed Bodhi." He collapsed back into his chair and put his head in his hands.

Something whacked his leg, and he looked up. Chirrut was standing in front of him, and he looked angry. "You did not kill him. Do not say that. This was nobody's fault. Bodhi gave his life for the Rebellion, for _you_. Do not dishonor his legacy."

Cassian's eyes widened. "Chirrut," Baze grunted, "stop. We should not be fighting." Chirrut nodded and sat back down.

"I need to go to my room," Cassian croaked, and stood up to leave.

"The Force surrounding him was always brightest when you were near," Chirrut spoke, and Cassian stopped in his tracks. "I hope you know that."

Cassian nodded, "I do."

 

Bodhi's eyes shot open and he gasped for air. His lungs creamed at him, and he found that the only thing he could do was cough. Everything was dark, but he still had oxygen. Which meant he was alive.

He felt around to see how intact his ship was. He remembered getting hit, but everything past that was fuzzy. Everything seemed to be alright, and he shifted in his seat.

" _Gaahhh!"_ He screamed, and his entire right leg felt like it was being stabbed to death. He looked down to find that the bottom half of his leg was....gone.

The metal under his feet seemed to be what had gotten the most of the blow. It was a miracle that there was no hole. Shards of metal were sticking up toward him, and one of them had gotten his leg. It ended about 6 inches below his knee, and his orange flight suit was covered in blood. "Shit. _Shit._ " His voice was strained, and tears streamed down his face.

He reached his hands forward and flipped a few switches on his dashboard. The X-Wing came to life, and Bodhi saw the destruction before him.

They had obviously destroyed the Death Star; there were pieces of it floating everywhere. He just wondered how many of them had survived.

A searing pain up his right side brought him from his thoughts, and he yelled again. His fist slammed against the side of the ship, and he put his head between his knees.

The stench of blood made him nauseous, but the pain kept his head down. Breaths came ragged and sporadically, and his hands were shaking as they raked through his hair.

His mind started to go dark, and he thought of how easy it would be to slip into sleep at that moment. He was so _so_ tired.

But suddenly, he sat straight up in his seat. He remembered Cassian, _his Cassian._ He had made a promise to see him after all of this. He couldn't break that promise. So he turned on his comm.

"This-this is Bodhi Rook, aka Rogue Leader," his voice was strained and raspy, so he cleared his throat. "I repeat: this is Bodhi Rook. I am stranded near the site of the destroyed Death Star. I need to know if any rebels are out there. I-I need medical attention. I am going to attempt to fly to base." He listened for any type of response. But he was met with silence. " _Fuck!_ " He tore off his helmet and slammed it down next to him.

He took a few deep breaths, steadying himself. He needed to find a way out of this. He reached toward the sleeve of his flight suit and tore, coming away with a long strip of orange fabric. Looking around for something else, he undid a belt around his chest and put it between his teeth.

"Okay, okay," he mumbled, and reached down to his leg, fabric in hand. The belt in his mouth muffled most of his screams, and it gave him something else to focus on as he bandaged his injury. He was lightheaded, but he knew what he had to do. Wrapping it would stop any more bleeding, and one look at the floor told him he had already lost too much blood.

When he was done, he took the belt out of his mouth and gasped, feeling exhausted. He was crying, and his head felt like it was going to explode. Despite how bad he felt, he flipped a few more switches, and the engines blazed to life. A few taps on the screen in front of him and a course was set for Hoth. The X-Wing edged forward as Bodhi tried to ignore the pain in his leg.

He put his helmet back on, realizing he would be needing his comm. Then he made the jump to hyperspace, hoping he would make it to Hoth before he bled out.

 

Someone was pounding on Cassian's door. He turned in bed and stared at it, not wanting to get up.

It had been a day since he had gotten the news, and he hadn't left his room at all.

But the pounding didn't stop, and he was forced to get up and answer it. He opened the door and was met with Leia and Jyn. They both looked breathless, and Jyn's hand was still poised to knock.

"What?" Cassian was tired, and he sounded it.

"We just recieved a comm that you need to hear," Leia grabbed his arm and pulled him out of his room. Cassian was barefooot and wearing no shirt, and he was starting to feel the chill as the two women dragged him through the halls.

"One of the Commanders received this earlier this morning. We aren't sure how old the message is," Jyn said breathlessly once they reached the control room. She tapped a few things on the screen and a voice flooded through the speakers. Cassian couldn't believe his ears.

"This-this is Bodhi Rook, aka Rogue Leader. I repeat: this is Bodhi Rook. I am stranded near the site of the destroyed Death Star. I need to know if any rebels are out there. I-I need medical attention. I am going to attempt to fly to base. _Fuck!_ " Some banging could be heard before the line went dead.

Cassian's knees buckled and he fell to the floor. _He's alive. Bodhi's alive._ "Have you received anything else?" He asked, desperate.

Leia shook her head, kneeling down to be at Cassian's eye level. "We haven't, unfortunately. But by our calculations, if this was sent yesterday, he should be here soon. That is, if he hasn't-" Jyn kicked her leg, and Leia yelped.

"Not helpful," she snapped, and Leia stood up.

Bodhi's message was replaying in Cassian's head. He couldn't believe it.

Suddenly, the comm blinked to life.

 

"Hello, is anyone there? This is-" he took a deep breath, feeling exhausted. "This is Bodhi Rook, Rogue Leader. I can see Hoth from where I am, I just wanted to let you know, if you're there, that I'm entering the atmosphere and will be landing in about," he looked at his dashboard, everything looking blurry, "Five minutes?" His leg throbbed, and he groaned.

"Bodhi?" A voice crackled in his ear, and he almost started crying.

"Cassian?"

"Oh my Force, Bodhi! Are you okay? What happened?" Cassian was breathless, and Bodhi smiled. He started to reply, but a sharp pain up his leg made him gasp in pain. "Bodhi?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," he was more trying to convince himself than Cassian, and he squeezed his eyes shut. "A TIE Fighter hit the bottom of my ship and, well, severed the bottom half of my leg. I've lost a lot of blood. Can't really see straight." He looked forward and saw what looked like a large building. "I think I see the base. Flying in now."

 

Cassian looked up at Jyn and Leia, who both looked as shocked as he was. "He's flying in now," Jyn deadpanned, and Cassian stood straight up.

"I have to go meet him!" He yelled as he ran out the door, quickly followed by Leia and Jyn.

"Cassian, wait! You'll freeze if you don't put something else on! And we need to contact the med-bay!" Leia called after him, and Cassian stopped. "Jyn can get you a jacket while I run to the med-bay to get a cot and a med-droid. You can't just ambush him, he's seriously hurt."

Cassian took a few deep breaths. His mind was racing with too many thoughts, and the only thing he could do was nod. Leia responded with her own, and ran in the opposite direction toward the med-bay. "C'mon, Cassian. Let's get you a jacket. Then we'll go see Bodhi."

Cassian nodded, following Jyn as she quickly walked toward an adjacent room. She pulled a large jacket off of a nearby hook and Cassian wrapped it around his shoulders. "I can't believe he's alive," Cassian rasped, and Jyn smiled.

"You really love him, don't you?" She asked, smirking.

"I do," Cassian smiled warmly, looking behind him. "I really want to see him."

"Then let's go," She grabbed his arm and started running toward the hanger. Cassian's bare feet smacked against the floor, and they passed a few confused Rebels on their way there.

When Cassian entered the hangar, he noticed Bodhi's X-Wing right away. The bottom of it was torn up, and it was singed black. The top hatch opened and Bodhi appeared, taking off his helmet.

 

Bodhi took off his helmet, looking down below him. His leg was throbbing, and he was 90% sure that he was about to faint. He lifted himself up out of his seat with his arms and hopped as best he could down the ladder. He was biting his lip to keep from screaming, but he almost lost his composure when he saw the face in front of him.

Cassian was standing there, looking more beautiful than ever, and Bodhi immediately started crying. He hopped forward on his left leg and collapsed into his boyfriend's arms.

"We thought you were dead," Cassian whispered, squeezing Bodhi as tight as he dared.

"I thought I was too," Bodhi laughed, grimacing from the pain in his leg. "I love you, Cass."

"I love you too, Bodhi." Cassian stood up, hoisting Bodhi with his shoulder. "Leia is getting someone from the med-bay to come with a cot. Think you can make it until then?"

Bodhi winced, leaning heavily on Cassian, "Maybe?" Cassian frowned, anxiety rising in his chest. He slowly started walking forward, Bodhi hopping awkwardly with him.

"You already died once this week, you're not allowed to die again. Sorry, I don't make the rules." Bodhi laughed softly, and it made Cassian smile. Bodhi's breathing was shallow, and his head was drooping. "Hey, stay with me now."

Bodhi looked up, forehead sweaty. "I kept my promise," he breathed. "I promised I would see you after all of this. And I did."

Cassian looked in front of him and saw Leia rushing toward them. "You did a good job, Bodhi."

Bodhi smiled up at him, delirious from the blood loss. A medic was helping him into the rolling cot, and he was obviously exhausted. Cassian watched helplessly as Bodhi finally fainted.

A few hours later, Cassian was sitting outside of the med-bay doors, waiting. It reminded him of just after Scarif, when he and Baze sat outside the doors together. He had yet to tell them that Bodhi was alive. He figured Jyn would tell them.

He was nodding off when a med-droid opened the doors next to him. "Captain Andor?" it said. Cassian jumped up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Mr. Rook is awake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise!!!!!! hes not dead. you guys didn't think id actually do that, did you??????


	12. From the Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhi looked down at his feet - metal and non-metal alike - and frowned.

Bodhi's eyes opened to see a bright white ceiling. He blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the brightness. "Am I dead?" He croaked out, feeling rough fabric beneath his fingers.

"Far from it, fortunately," a voice sounded from his right. He turned his head slowly to see Cassian. He smiled slightly and tried to sit up. Cassian helped him. "How are you doing?"

Bodhi sat up completely and rubbed his eyes. "A bit weak. But other than that I feel fine."

Cassian smiled and grabbed Bodhi's hand squeezing it. "Everyone thought you were dead. I-uh. I thought you were dead." He took a deep breath and rubbed his face with his other hand.

Bodhi pushed Cassian's hand away, running his hand down his face. "I'm here, Cass. I always will be. I promise." Cassian nodded and cleared his throat. Bodhi smiled and swung his legs off of the side of the bed. Something _clang_ ed on the floor, and he looked down. "....My leg...?"

His leg was metal from the knee down. Some blurry memories flashed in his mind, and he vaguely remembered searing pain there.

"During the crash, your leg was amputated. The med-droids had to give you a metal one." Cassian explained, and Bodhi looked up.

Cassian looked tired. Bodhi felt as tired as he looked. He reached forward and grabbed Cassian's face, pulling him forward and kissing him.

It was long and sweet, and Bodhi didn't want to pull away. But a yell from the door broke them apart.

"Bodhi! Thank the Force!" Jyn barreled through the room, almost tackling the two of them. Bodhi smiled and embraced them both. Baze and Chirrut followed closely behind, and they both hugged Bodhi in turn. Jyn gasped when she saw Bodhi's leg. "We're matching," she smirked, holding out her left leg to bump Bodhi's.

He couldn't do anything but smile. "Guys. Guys! I love you all but I kinda want to spend some time with Cass. Sorry."

Chirrut nodded and Baze smiled. "Of course. Have fun you two," Chirrut inclined his head and turned to leave, Baze following close behind.

Jyn wiggled her eyebrows at them before turning and leaving. "Don't do anything I wouldn't!" She called over her shoulder. Cassian laughed and Bodhi smiled.

"I love you," Cassian said softly, and Bodhi turned to face him.

"Love you-" he was cut off with a kiss, and he smiled into it. "We can't just kiss all day," he said when they pulled apart, laughing.

"Why not?" Cassian practically whined, grabbing Bodhi's hands.

"Well, first of all: we're in the med-bay. Second of all: I'm cold as fuck." He brought his knees up to his chest, shivering. The added weight of his metal leg felt odd, but he managed.

"I managed to pack most of your blankets in my pack. I knew you'd need them. We can go....warm up?" Bodhi looked up at Cassian, a blush spreading across his cheeks.

"You don't have work to do?"

Cassian scoffed, smiling. "Are you kidding? My boyfriend just died, I'm pretty sure I have some time off." Bodhi laughed. "C'mon, let's go."

 

It took some work, but Bodhi was eventually able to walk without Cassian's full support. He knew it wasn't going to be easy to get used to it, but his stubbornness could be surprising sometimes.

But Hoth was cold as shit. And Bodhi expressed that thought whenever he could.

"Cass, I'm cold," he huffed, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Yes, you've told me." Cassian seemed exasperated. "The room is right up here, babe. Can you make it another 15 feet?"

Bodhi frowned, leaning his head on Cassian's shoulder. "Yeah," he mumbled, rubbing his hands up and down his arms.

When they got to the room, Bodhi paused and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. "What?" Cassian asked, leaning on the door.

Bodhi looked him up and down and smiled. "You look good," he said, and grabbed the front of Cassian's jacket. He closed his eyes as their lips met, and Cassian's hands went to rest on Bodhi's hips. 

"I'm sorry I scared you," Bodhi breathed once they pulled apart, their foreheads touching.

"You're not _seriously_ apologizing?" Cassian chuckled, and kissed him again. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Bodhi looked down at his feet - metal and non-metal alike - and frowned. A part of him wanted to fight; to say that he had _everything_ to apologize for.

But another larger part of him agreed with Cassian. "Thank you." Cassian smiled and pulled him in the room, closing the door behind them. 

Bodhi immediately flopped onto the bed, wrapping a blanket around himself. "You're ridiculous," Cassian mumbled, sitting next to him.

"It's cold!" Bodhi protested, lifting up the blanket so Cassian could join him. He rested his head on Cassian's chest closing his eyes. "I love you." He hummed, closing his eyes.

"Love you too," Cassian said, wrapping his arm around Bodhi.

Suddenly, Cassian yelped; causing Bodhi to sit up straight. "What?" he asked, looking around. "What happened?"

Cassian laughed, his hand reaching out to grab Bodhi's. "You're leg. It's very cold." He continued to laugh, but Bodhi just huffed.

"Fine. I guess I don't have to sleep here then." He smirked slightly and got up, moving to open the door.

"Hey!" Cassian laughed, grabbing Bodhi's arm. "C'mon, I'm sorry." Bodhi turned to face him, trying to hide a smile. "Can't you like, wrap it in a blanket or something?" He tried to stifle a laugh.

Bodhi turned, " _Oh my Force_ ," he groaned, putting his hand over his face. "You're horrible. You know that? Making fun of your boyfriend who lost his leg." He shook his head and sat down on the bed.

"I really am sorry. It surprised me."

He looked over at Cassian and smiled. "I know." He moved over to where Cassian was lying on the bed. Bodhi thought for a second, staring at Cassian while doing so.

"What?" Cassian asked, smirking. _Fuck it,_ Bodhi thought, and moved so he was straddling Cassian's hips. Cassian's eyes widened, but he didn't protest.

"Is my leg still too cold?" he asked playfully. Cassian didn't answer, just grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down to kiss him. His lips were warm, a welcome contrast to the cold around them.

"I love you," Cassian whispered when they pulled apart.

Bodhi smiled and kissed him softly. "I love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand thats it!! i had a thought dear is officially over!! thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos!! i was thinking of doing an epilogue, so tell me what you guys would think about that!

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @andhor


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